Question: My husband was in several very negative relationships before we got married.  I accepted that, but now I’m just sick of being compared to those other women.  It seems to only happen when we’re fighting or I’ve asked him to pick up after himself.  What can I do?

The short answer is stop giving this fire anymore fuel.  He’s using it because it works and when it stops working, he’ll hopefully be smart enough to give it up.

The long answer; This is negative attribution.  It’s the process of your husband telling you that you have EVERY negative behavioral and emotional pattern possessed by his worst exes.  This will usually happen when he feels less powerful, more stressed and he wants to control your behavior.  This is the nice way of saying he’ll use negative attribution to get you off his back when you insist he adult or else.  This is the point that many of my clients get really upset!  And then narrow their eyes and decide that SOB…!

Wait, wait, hold your horses there.

He’s definitely using it and it hurts.  This doesn’t mean that he does it on purpose just to make you feel worse.  This may be the way he has been trained to avoid pain or he may use it because you aren’t the only one it worked on.  Human beings tend to repeat behaviors that help them avoid pain and get something good.

Even if the long term payout is going to be a series of ruined relationships and nothing good, we will do stupid things for short term pain relief. All of us.  Every one.  So even though I’m writing this to the woman who asked the question, men can experience negative attribution from their wives too.  You can experience this in any relationship of any romantic stripe, but also from your parents, your peers and definitely your workmates.

There are rare occasions where your partner IS hurting you on purpose and often. At which point we need a whole ‘nother blog post on why you’ve either picked that person or are still with them after the mask came off.  If this is a purposeful, planned attack, get out now. Those attacks can have lulls but a person who will show their “love” by isolating, undermining, demeaning and gas-lighting you isn’t going to stop. Ever.

So if you’re just dealing with the garden variety negative attribution and not someone who’s abusive, your best bet to stop the behavior is naming it, starving it out, and then re-state the obvious.

Name It!

He says, “You want me to be unhappy just like all those other bitches!”  Oh, the places you can go with a statement like that.  You could get defensive and scream about how he never notices the good things you do.  You could try and reassure him that he doesn’t have to be unhappy and you love him!  You could just seize on the last word and start a really satisfying bout of name calling.  And none of that will get you the change you want.

When anyone gives you the title of  Negative Just Like All Those….., you are being pulled into negative attribution.  The goal of this is to get you off track, into a stupid argument with no winners, or get you defensive, or best of all, you will turn from asking to reassuring.  “Oh no honey, you can be loved, I love you!”  Pick none of the above!  Instead start naming the behavior as soon as you hear it. “That’s negative attribution!  You want me to think I’m being exactly like your exes so I can’t say when I’m upset about anything.” or  “This is just a way to make me feel bad so I shut up!”  After a while you can just look up sing out, “Neg-a-tive At-trib-u-u-tion.” and go back to your regularly scheduled activities.

Starve It Out!

No one likes getting called on their crap.  We’re all hardwired to avoid this.  So your partner is NOT going to like that you know the name of his game.  He will throw some more emotion your way and double down. “I can’t believe you are going to ignore how you’ve hurt me and just do whatever you want!”

Try to put a cap on your sarcasm if that is an affliction you suffer from.  There are a LOT of good comebacks that won’t work long term but sure sound good at this point.  But sarcasm is just painful emotion turned into vicious humor and this beastie doesn’t die if it still has food.  The food that negative attribution survives on is emotion, ANY emotion.  Your husband is already feeding this thing a robust diet, you don’t want to add to that.  Stay calm.  If you can’t, walk away without talking.  It’s simple and gets the job done. (You may have to keep walking, out the door, start the car and drive for a while if you’re married to the guy who follows and can’t handle being ignored.)

You do not have to be mean to get this done.  You don’t have to bring out your resting bitch face and give it a workout.  This is not angry stonewalling.  This is realizing that you don’t have to take your husband’s attempts at control, personally.  He’s got an issue with his exes.  He is scared that a mutually beneficial relationship will leave him vulnerable and hurt.  He has some very bad habits.  You didn’t make any of that You can’t take credit for it.  You don’t need to feel hurt that he’s still doing it.

Some women have a hard time with this, because “If he really loved me he would….”

No.  People can really love you and not change their bad habits.  You are not Jesus and you will not be miraculously curing anyone of their smoking habit today.  If that sounds ridiculous, good.  Women are often trained to take responsibility for everyone else’s emotions and actions.  It’s why negative attribution works. “Oh you’re upset and you’re pointing at me.  It must be my fault!”  Nope.  Sometimes, your husband is mad at you because you’re right and he doesn’t want to hear it.  He can love you and still want to avoid the responsibility for his own emotions and changing himself.  He’s not Jesus either.

Do not feed emotion to this fire.  Appropriate responses are as follows;

• You seem like you really want me to feel guilty.
• It’s really hard for me to feel empathy when you’re yelling.
• This is still negative attribution.
• I know who I am and I’m still OK with asking for changes.
• I know you love me, it’s just really hard to feel that right now.
• You are throwing emotion at me to make me change my behavior.
• You want me to stop telling you when I’m upset and I won’t do that.

Re-state the Obvious!

So many of my clients think they should be able to state something once and since they’re talking to their adult spouse, VOILA, it will happen.  No.  Get ready to repeat yourself in a calm tone of voice.  A lot.  And then some more.

For women this can feel like an insult.  I remember this one getting used on me when I was little and didn’t take the hint well from my peers.  Repetition meant that other girl thought I was stupid and she was pretty upset with me.  If you got that same message in grade school, it can be hard to repeat things calmly.  You feel like you’re insulting him, and you might not mind doing that since you’re mad anyway!  But then that’s rude and you don’t want to be that person!

You are not THAT person.  You are a competent adult with some important things to say and you are going to say those things in a calm, controlled manner no matter how many times you have to say them.

This does NOT have to be an insult or done in a mean way if you’re worried about that.  If you want him to pick up after himself, say that.  When he doesn’t, make it uncomfortable for him.  I honest to God threw my husband’s socks away our first year of marriage after asking him to put them in the dirty clothes one too many times.  I never raised my voice.  I didn’t tell him what I’d done.  When he figured it out he blew sky high.  And he never left his socks all over the place again.  I realize not everyone will feel able to do this, but it’s an option.

So no matter how obvious it seems, say it again calmly.

Even if your spouse does nothing, you are training them that at the very least, you cannot be ignored into submission.